GESSHIRUI – “The problem with Mary Lust is also a deeply rooted illness that has haunted her since birth” (August 2024)
If you search the internet for “I want to die,” a hotline for psychological support appears on the page. I’ve never called it, but I hope it helps someone. Lately, I, GESSHIRUI, have been working on several projects. When it involves multiple artists, I start going crazy. What I mean is: when I’m working on, say, an album for one group, I can focus solely on that group and think only about them. But when work for other artists comes in, I don’t know how to keep my sanity.
Speaking of what happens in such cases, one of the symptoms is that I start writing random texts aimlessly. This is probably substitute behavior (I wonder if such a term exists?). I don’t know what to call it, but to avoid working on music and songs, I begin doing something else. Then, as a form of withdrawal, I start cleaning around me. Actually, it’s not even cleaning; it’s more like organizing. Normally, I don’t pay attention to it, but when I’m haunted by the need to write something, I begin aligning the items on my desk at a certain angle, checking if there are any stray hairs, sorting through documents that catch my eye, and on top of that, blocking all the information that comes into my field of vision. For example, this doesn’t just apply to documents, but even the text on product packaging — I start to feel an odd sense that they’re “watching me.” To the point where I feel like I have OCD. So, I start hiding all of it. And once I’ve generally finished with that and realize there’s nothing more I can do, I can finally face the songs head-on. It feels like a sickness.
Today, I want to talk about “Nil∴,” Mary Lust’s solo song from TOKYO TEFUTEFU’s mini-album of solo songs — “IIIIly.”
I can’t avoid writing about this. It’s not that I don’t want to; it’s just hard to confront this subject directly. With this realization, I’ve been working on my projects lately, but it seems the time has come.
Let me say upfront that this article is so emotionally sensitive that I ask only those who truly want to read it to continue. As I write this paragraph, I’m laughing, but further on, there won’t be much to laugh about. I’ll just be writing, facing something in my heart head-on, so I don’t think I’ll be able to show any restraint. So, if you decide to read it, be prepared. Although, it’s just my personal perspective.
How to Get the Password:
- Follow this link and purchase the original article (¥300, approximately $2). The site accepts PayPal and foreign cards.
- Copy the last three paragraphs from the paid section of the article.
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- Below the text: “You are awesome! Here is your MD5 checksum:” your password will appear.
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