Komari Yuu – “I really am very, horribly unpopular” (May 11, 2022)
How satisfied am I with my life? I want to talk about this with myself from the past.
Everyone knows that I have almost no friends (except for the group members it is only one person), and even this one friend is two years older than me. So I didn’t have any friends in my class.
Of course, it’s a girl. Even though she is older.
I’ve never said it myself, but complete strangers often tell me that it seems like I’m popular.
And, really. I really am very, horribly unpopular – people have said behind my back that I’m hard to approach, that I’m kind of scary, that I’m not like everybody else, and I’ve always been treated like some kind of weirdo, so I really am very, horribly unpopular.
But you know what?
It’s not for me to say, of course, but I think I was definitely the cutest girl in my class. Everyone else, to be honest, wasn’t cute at all, and even though I looked younger, they all acted like total brats.
Of course, if you compete within the confines of a world as silly, dull, and small as high school, it’s not surprising that I’d turn out to be cute-I’m not bragging at all.
But it’s worth stepping even a step out into the outside world and engaging in some activity like the one I’m doing now, and there are so many such cute girls that I begin to think there’s nothing special about me at all.
It’s scary.
The one who raises the bar is myself.
I was a loner in class, but I didn’t care about that at all.
I couldn’t do nonsense, and in topics of conversation and musical tastes I didn’t agree with anyone.
That’s why I didn’t like going to karaoke with others, either.
“What kind of song is that? I’ve never heard it (lol).”
If you say something like that and make me look boring, you shouldn’t have invited me at all. At the same time, the songs the others sang were probably popular, but I didn’t like them at all.
Every day after school I had nothing to do, and so I tried to break the Guinness record for the time it took me to get home alone.
I didn’t want to meet people, so I left home from a different station than the one that was closer to my school.
And I was never ashamed to be alone.
But.
If you’re different from everyone else, you become a loner.
That it’s even, it’s ridiculous.
I loved being different and I did it on purpose.
I didn’t want to have the same things as everyone else, and I didn’t want to participate in what was popular.
And with my hair, I didn’t want to look like anyone else, so I went to school every day with a different hairstyle.
If you’re different from everyone else, you become a loner.
And even though I didn’t care about it myself, why couldn’t they just leave me alone?
Quite simply, I was attracting attention. I guess so.
Once I got the attention of a group of girls I didn’t know, and they called me into the restroom with them.
There were wild rumors about me that had nothing to do with reality.
“Women are such a pain in the ass. How infuriating,” I thought many times.
I had done absolutely nothing wrong, I hadn’t even broken any school rules!
(I’m a little boastful here, but because of my long eyelashes the teachers often thought I was wearing makeup, and because of my light brown eye color I was told to take off decorative contact lenses. I was scolded. But I didn’t do that, so it wasn’t a violation of school rules).
But anyway, it turns out that way.
At the end of the day, you all were so bothered by me.
I did bother you all so much about the fact that I was doing something different than the rest of you, didn’t I?
After all, you weren’t capable of it yourselves.
It was your own fault for not being honest with yourselves.
It was your own fault for not having the courage and confidence to do what you wanted to do.
I don’t care who you are now, where you are, what you do, or how you live your life.
But.
I think it’s wrong to find peace of mind and place where you belong by fitting in with everyone else (though rules should be followed, of course).
Yes, I was looked at strangely because I was different, but I still have friends, I have people I care about, and that alone makes me happy.
Isn’t that right?
Friends are not a quantity.
I don’t want a life where I only have superficial relationships and end up just getting thrown in the trash can around the corner.
So go to hell.
I’m proud of myself.
I think I’m cool.
I respect myself.
I’m glad I’m me.
If I were reborn, I would certainly want to be me again.
To be me again and reacquaint myself with different sides of me.
Oh, ‘ANTIidentity’ is out.